A few nights ago, I had a dream. No - come back, I'm not going to recount it all in excruciating detail - but I think my subconscious has handed me the solution to my unpublished state.
I was going into a supermarket which, for some bizarre reason possibly connected to the fact that I've just returned from Disneyland, entailed queueing outside for a while. Then David Mitchell left the supermarket, dressed in pale blue surgical scrubs. That's David Mitchell the comedian, not David Mitchell the author. They are not the same person - or so they claim.
"Nice gloves," I said - because he was wearing surgeon-type gloves.
"I'm going to be cooking," he replied, as though that explained his attire.
Anyway, in my dream, we got talking and, somehow, through dream-type transportation, we ended up in a cafe where I told him about the troubles of being an unpublished author and he suggested that he could simply pretend that he was the author of all of my work in order to get it read by publishers and agents the world over (or maybe only in the UK - I'm not sure he's known outside this country). Clearly, the chance of writing by a celebrity being considered is vastly higher than writing by an unknown such as me.
This would, of course, lead to a bidding war, saturation advertising and high book sales. He'd be great at interviews, which would drive sales. Oh, and obviously he'd do the decent thing and hand over the vast majority of the profits to me.
It could be a mutually beneficial arrangement. I get published and earn an income from my writing - he gets regarded as an author as well as a hilarious comedian, incisive panel-show guest and generally intelligent good person.
So, David - if you read this, please get in touch. You have nothing to lose and we have plenty to potentially gain. (The other David Mitchell - I'm assuming you're not interested, being an author already and all - but you could feel free to make me an offer if you feel so inclined. Actually, that goes for any other celebrity too.)
2 comments:
He uses a physio or is it dentist in Edgware. My mother in law has a 'claim to fame' invovling seeing him in waiting room and him being quite scruffy.
Just get your teeth and back seen to in all the posisble outlets in a 5 miles radius and you are bound to bump into him. That may cost more than vanity publishing.
Not only that, but he and Robert Webb filmed a scene for Peep Show in Fratelli's in Mill Hill last year or the year before or whenever it was.
Clearly it is only a matter of time before I spot him and then do the decent thing, i.e. not hassle him and just walk by.
Sorry David, I'm not going to make it easy for you. You'll have to approach me.
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